Yesterday, New Year's Eve, I needed to purchase a 2012 calender. This is an annual task I really enjoy, because it represents a new beginning. It allows me, for a brief time, to dream that the New Year will be the year the Cubs win the World Series, the Warriors make the play-offs, Belichick wears a collared shirt, Raiders fans actually behave for an entire quarter, and the Sharks win Lord Stanely's cup. I know there's something I'm forgetting.
Living in the great State of Texas, I can't go to the local drug or grocery store, gas station, In -n- Out Burger, or any of the other million places I can get one in "Cali." I was told that to get a really good calender I had to travel north about 40 miles to the place known as "the middle of nowhere," take the first right, continue traveling to the place called "the armpit of America," and there I would come to an old trading post. So I started off on my journey. After arriving at the "armpit of America," I walked through the front door and was greeted by a really old Indian. The funny thing was an REM song was playing in the background. It seemed strange, but hey, I'm in Texas. I told the old man what I was looking for, and he took me out back. He only had one calender left. It was a really old and made of stone. I thought to myself, I may be able to get a calender and put this up in the back yard. My wife has been telling me for the past year we need something in the backyard to spruce it up -- make it Texas! As I looked closer, I realized it was missing the last week of 2012.
I did what any true American would do: I negotiated a great deal. This calendar was a display model I was purchasing "as is," so there was no way I was going to pay anywhere near full retail for. The Indian told me all 2012 calenders ended on December 21st, but still gave me the deal. As I finished loading it in the truck (the truck I had to purchase being a Texan), I heard the "It's the end of the world" song again but it was much louder. Again, it seemed strange, but I'm in Texas.
The "Wise Guy" wishes all of you a safe, prosperous, and Happy New Year. May this be the year that all your dreams come true. To those who believe I won't be seeing you on Earth on the 22nd of December, I'll catch you in the next life. To the rest of you, see you in Pasadena on the 1st!
"Wise Guy"
