A funny thing happened on my way to ...

Yesterday, New Year's Eve, I needed to purchase a 2012 calender. This is an annual task I really enjoy, because it represents a new beginning. It allows me, for a brief time, to dream that the New Year will be the year the Cubs win the World Series, the Warriors make the play-offs, Belichick wears a collared shirt, Raiders fans actually behave for an entire quarter, and the Sharks win Lord Stanely's cup. I know there's something I'm forgetting.


Living in the great State of Texas, I can't go to the local drug or grocery store, gas station, In -n- Out Burger, or any of the other million places I can get one in "Cali." I was told that to get a really good calender I had to travel north about 40 miles to the place known as "the middle of nowhere," take the first right, continue traveling to the place called "the armpit of America," and there I would come to an old trading post. So I started off on my journey. After arriving at the "armpit of America," I walked through the front door and was greeted by a really old Indian. The funny thing was an REM song was playing in the background. It seemed strange, but hey, I'm in Texas. I told the old man what I was looking for, and he took me out back. He only had one calender left. It was a really old and made of stone. I thought to myself, I may be able to get a calender and put this up in the back yard. My wife has been telling me for the past year we need something in the backyard to spruce it up -- make it Texas! As I looked closer, I realized it was missing the last week of 2012.

I did what any true American would do: I negotiated a great deal. This calendar was a display model I was purchasing "as is," so there was no way I was going to pay anywhere near full retail for. The Indian told me all 2012 calenders ended on December 21st, but still gave me the deal. As I finished loading it in the truck (the truck I had to purchase being a Texan), I heard the "It's the end of the world" song again but it was much louder. Again, it seemed strange, but I'm in Texas.

The "Wise Guy" wishes all of you a safe, prosperous, and Happy New Year. May this be the year that all your dreams come true. To those who believe I won't be seeing you on Earth on the 22nd of December, I'll catch you in the next life. To the rest of you, see you in Pasadena on the 1st!

"Wise Guy"

Reno. Yes, Reno! "The Biggest Little City in the World."

Reno? Yes, the Reno of college football bowl games. Let me explain.

In this crazy world of sports, it seems improbable that this match up could ever happen in a Bowl game with so little importance to the rest of the college football world. On the Eve of  the Holiday Bowl, a game that features my beloved Bears and those of the much hated Longhorns, most of you are wondering  if I will feel vindicated with a blowout win by the Bears for what happened in "2004." The answer is ... maybe. Maybe with Aaron Rodgers winning the Super Bowl and as its MVP, I feel that I've already been vindicated. Where's Vince Young? What has any other Longhorn quarterback achieved in the NFL?

Having witnessed two of the worst seasons since ever, and the fact that the the Longhorns and the Bears have had identical records since I migrated to the Southwest, seems to have taken a lot of the steam out of this game. Maybe it's that I realize what happened in 2004 was not Texas' fault, but something much bigger. A grudge with a small city made famous by Dustin Hoffman in the late 60's -- Pasadena. With the many blog posts across Bear Nation mentioning the classless act by the one and only Mack Brown, I am here to tell you I won't post that. BUT ... this will be the biggest of all the little bowls played in 2011. Let's just hope the Bears don't roll a pair of snake eyes.

"Wise Guy"

Mr. Smith Goes To Washington. Well, Texas!

As 2011 comes to an end, I've had an opportunity to reflect over the past 15 months as a Texan or should I say, an Austinite. It seems like the sports world was knocked a bit off its axis. I can't help but think I had something to do with it. As a young child I often believed if I did something a little different it would have changed the result of a game. I often thought if I watched my team, or didn't watch my team, it would help them win a game they lost.

Now fast forward forty years, and I think I may have been on to something. I often wonder how things may have turned out if I hadn't left California. Would the Giants have been able to overcome the "Curse of a Young Boy?" Would the Lakers be the reigning NBA champions? Would the Cowboys have the same need for a head coach AND a QB?

In my short time in Texas, the Rangers, who have never won a playoff game, go to back-to- back World Series. The NBA Champions reside in Dallas, and the Texas Longhorns have lost more games than they have in the previous 10+ years. What about the Pack, you ask? I don't think it matters what state I'm in, or planet I'm on -- that kid from Chico, California  was destined for greatness. He is golden when it matters most. I guess you could say he is as golden as a Bear ... or a Cal Golden Bear!!!

"Wise Guy"

Wally World It’s Not!

This past weekend my boys and I had an opportunity to visit an old amusement park. As we waited at the gate for the park to open, I couldn't help but think of the many memories I shared at this park and many like it with my Dad and brothers, too many to count. It brought a huge smile to know that I would have many more with my boys, and they would have with theirs.

As the gates opened, it took a little eye contact, and then a simple nod, and my boys knew it was game time. It’s always been a “Wise Guy” tradition to maximize the first 2 hours a park is open to hit every steel roller coaster. This is something we don't take lightly. Like a coach and players getting ready for a big game, we mapped out our plan well in advance, and reviewed a final time at the gate. Once the gates opened it was like a starter pistol being fired, and we ran like Usain Bolton headed for gold in record time.

Our family is like the SEC in college football. You aren't going to beat us -- you just hope to stay close for as long as you can. We have never lost. The Rocky Marciono of families at an amusement park.  What drove us, you ask? It wasn't the desire to win, but the fear of losing. One thing I never, ever want to hear after spending 10+ hours at a park is, “But, Dad."  You know, like a fisherman talking about the big one that got away. It doesn't matter what happened or how long you fought it. The bottom line is you didn’t catch it, or, in this case, that we didn’t ride it.

What does this have to do with sports? Everything! The world of sports is just like an amusement park. The NFL and for some of us, college football, is the steel roller coaster. It's something you don't want to miss. It could be the ultimate thrill ride, and at times a bit overrated.  It is still by far the best ride in the park, or should I say better than any other sport. MLB is like the water ride. It normally takes forever to get on and when you do, it's usually slow until you get to the end where you usually have a thrilling drop and a splash of water which normally makes you feels good.  These parks have many rides like the tilt-a-whirl or the  scrambler . They are golf, tennis, motorsports and hockey. It’s a nice change of pace but if you ride it too much you’ll get sick to your stomach and if your not careful you’ll end up throwing up on yourself. Most of these parks now have a water/ski shows. This is soccer. You know that they are performing and that some people are watching but you don’t understand why or even care. 

That leaves us with the wooden rollercoaster of sports. The NBA. It was once the most exciting sport in the world (see the 80’s) but now it seems to jerk you around a lot and you often leave the ride wondering why you rode it. It's that ride that if it's not running no one misses it. See the NBA strike and tell me I'm wrong!

Wise Guy

Pinocchio

 Pinocchio was one of  my favorite childhood  movies. If you've been living under a rock or are made of wood, you probably aren't familiar with the tale of a wooden puppet boy who dreams of one day becoming a "real" boy. I will not bore you with the details of the story, but will tell you that in the end he becomes a real boy.

I bring this up because you may not realize we are all fortunate, or not, to be living during a time when we're able to see this fable played out in real life. No, I don't own a puppet. I now live in Texas, where people think there are no trees. This story, unlike  Pinocchio, takes place in Denver, Colorado, on a football field, and not in a wood carving shop. There is no "Jimmy," but there is a Timmy (Tebow). In this story, Timmy only dreams of one day becoming a "real" NFL quarterback. Just like Geppetto who longs for a son, John Fox shares Timmy's dream. We don't know if Timmy's nose grows when he tells a lie, because I'm sure it's never happened, and probably never will.

As the season plays out, I will be watching with great anticipation to see if Timmy can throw over thirty passes with a 60% completion rate and finish the game with a quarterback rating of over 80. Only then will I realize that Tinkerbell, or, in this case John Elway, has waved his magic wand. But than again, it may take a little "Luck" before Denver gets a real quarterback ... Andrew, that is.


"Wise Guy"

A Rangers win was not in the cards tonight.

I have never been a Rangers fan, or had any rooting interest in them up until about 14 months ago. As a new Texan, I felt it was my duty to support everything good in this great state, or maybe it was the fact that I may not survive another brush with death as the Giants did the unthinkable.

This year, the Rangers were at the final table again, and seemed to have all the chips. The Sox, Yankees and Tigers all folded, and it came down to the last hand with the Cardinals. With both teams "all in," the Rangers lost a game that you would think they'd never lose.  A game of Texas Hold 'Em!

Yes, the Rangers buried the "Felix card," and got the "Oliver card" on the river, and that's when you realized there was no way  the Rangers were going to win. As the "Wise Guy" I say it's ok to be mad. Yell, kick, and scream, because in sports there is no tomorrow when it comes to losing a championship, especially one that should have been won.

Please do not say, "Just wait 'til next year!' That is something that the loser always says. Just ask any Bills/Vikings fan, or anyone else who has not won a championship. Lets just hope that over the winter the Rangers get fa t... or should I say, "Phat." The Rangers have a need, and I know one person  happens to be the best there is.

So let me be the first to toast:  Here's to what could have been!

"The Wise Guy"

Purgatory here on Earth

Growing up in a strict Catholic family you learn all about purgatory. It's a state of purification or temporary punishment of the soul as it's made ready for heaven. You're probably asking yourself what this has to do with the "Wise Guy"! Let me explain. As I watched another disappointing loss by Cal on national TV, it hit me. I'm in my sports purgatory. I'm currently paying for my sports sins of the past and those to come. No matter how much I ask the patron saint of Cal football, Joe Roth, to intercede on my behalf, I may never reach the Rose Bowl. Oops, I mean heaven.

For those of you who are not Catholic or do not believe in purgatory, here's another scenario: Cal's QB sucks. I'm not talking about a vacuum type of suction, I'm talking F-5 tornado suction. Lets see ... Riley, Mansion, Bridgford, Hinder, and Boehm were all 4-star recruits and top-5 pro style QBs coming out of high school. Not one of the latter four could beat out a transfer from that football power Buffalo? Really Tedfurd ( Stanfurd spelling, no "o") ?  If Turner Gil leaves Buffalo and does not want to take his starting QB with him, why would you? Keenan is probably the answer, but do you have to start him?

Now one of  the top QBs in the country, Zack Cline, is coming in the class of 2012. Do you think Cal can hire a QB guru so he doesn't turn out like those before him?

Just sayin'.

"Wise Guy"